What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 20.06.2025 06:38
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
So whats the point in blame.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
What should I do if I love a girl and she apparently doesn't love me?
Especially a lifetime of it.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
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As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
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I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
What was your first trans experience like?
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
What did i know ?
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
If there was only one man remaining on the Earth, would this be regarded as extinction?
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Do you usually wear your panties over or under your pantyhose?
She was in good health!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I was seconnd youngest,
He knew the spot.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
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Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Would this be the day?
How do I get my body in shape?
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
She loved him until the end.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
My family never makes their pension either.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
But it wasn’t much.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I have no regrets .
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
We all went to grammer schools
When she asked me how she looked .
I was scared of men, in general
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
She wouldn,t have been !
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Who then, do I blame.?
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I waited trembling.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I couldn’t, believe it.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I don,t even have a pension.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Ive learnt so much.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
She married twice! .
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I write beautiful poetry .
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
So, i spoilt her more .
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I could never make a relationship work though!
I think the readers, may guess!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I was 9 years of age.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Put me off passion for life!!
I was very sick at this time too.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
We were not on the streets..
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I said to her
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Comes on , in middle age.
But, we were locked up after school.
He resisted the act ,that day.
I will be 64.
My life is so biszare .
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Im still living with it.
All the time i was locked up.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Was to survive, this bastard.
As i do to all so called friends.?
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
And i lived it daily.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
This is soul school!.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
One cannot live in the past .
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I never cut or harmed myself..
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
(And it was in our own minds.)
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
It was going to be , some day.
She found it foreign!.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.